Reframing Attention Seeking

Written by Tracey Farrell

“They’re just doing it for attention.”

It’s a phrase that cuts straight to the heart - and often, misses it entirely.

Over the decades, the word attention has somehow picked up a negative charge. What was once recognised as a basic human need - to be seen, heard, and held in someone else’s mind - was reframed, particularly in the mid-20th century, through a behaviorist lens. Figures like B.F. Skinner promoted the idea that behaviour is shaped solely by reinforcement and consequence. As a result, attention-seeking behaviours began to be viewed as manipulative - a nuisance to correct, rather than a signal to respond to.

But what if we’ve been looking at it all wrong?

What if “attention-seeking” is actually a human being’s way of saying:
“Connect with me.”
“Understand me.”
“Protect me.”

And what if instead of labelling behaviours as challenging, we reframed them as behaviours that challenge me - an invitation to reflect on our own internal responses, biases, and capacity to hold space for someone in distress?
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Because when someone acts out, clings tightly, withdraws, lashes out, self-harms, or even expresses suicidal thoughts, they aren’t asking for punishment or rejection. They’re asking to be met in their vulnerability.

​The Weather of Emotion: A Visual Reframe

In a visual shared widely on social media, I explored the idea of reframing attention seeking using weather as a metaphor. The post showed three emotional “forecast” states - clouds with sun, rain, and thunder - corresponding to escalating emotional, psychosocial and sensory needs.

This metaphor invites us to look not at the behaviour itself, but at what it’s trying to communicate.

Connect with Me (Connection Seeking)
Weather symbol: Cloud with sunshine peeking through

Behaviour may look like: 'Clinginess', interrupting, over-talking, 'showing off'

Needs being expressed:

• See me
• Hear me
• Accept me
• Show interest and delight in me
• Hold me in your mind

Interpretation: These are bids for connection. What might feel attention-seeking is actually connection-seeking. As Dr. Mona Delahooke puts it, “All behaviour is communication.” We all need to feel visible, especially when our emotional cup is running low, or is leaky so it never really replenishes.

Understand Me (Attunement Seeking)
Weather symbol: Cloud with rain

Behaviour may look like: Emotional outburst, mood swings, shutdowns, 'whining'

Needs being expressed:

• Help me make sense of what I feel
• Validate and organise my emotions
• Be curious, not corrective
• Stay with me even when I’m struggling

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Interpretation: These behaviours often emerge when a person is overwhelmed and can't regulate alone. They don’t need fixing—they need co-regulation and attunement. This is where the Circle of Security framework shines: "Always be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind."

Protect Me (Attachment Seeking)
Weather symbol: Thunderstorm

Behaviour may look like: Aggression, 'defiance', self-harm, suicidal thoughts, running away
Needs being expressed:

• Recognise my extreme distress
• Support me to regulate
• Help me feel emotionally and physically safe

Interpretation: This is not “manipulation” - it’s an adaptive protection or survival strategy. These are expressions of need often born from deep fear, trauma, or intense emotional overwhelm. When a child or adult expresses suicidality or self-harm, it’s rarely about seeking attention (in that negative sense) - it’s about seeking relief. This level of intensity often reflects a nervous system in crisis.
 
What Happens When We Reframe It?
Reframing attention-seeking and “challenging” behaviour opens a doorway to compassion. It’s not about excusing harmful behaviour - it’s about understanding what’s behind it.
This reframing helps:

• Reduce shame—for both the person and the responder
• Build emotional safety and trust
• Support co-regulation and relational healing
• Shift the focus from control to connection

 
What This Means in Practice
For caregivers, educators, clinicians, and even friends:

• Pause before labelling: Ask, What need might this behaviour be pointing to?
• Get curious instead of reactive: Stay with the discomfort.
• Co-regulate first: Connection precedes correction.
• Name the need you suspect is underneath.
• Respond with presence more than performance.
  
  

Because how we respond matters just as much as what we say.

Closing Thought
When someone reaches for attention, they are reaching for us. Seeing ‘attention’ as negative tells us to move away, so reframing it as a need for connection, attunement and protection can help us to move closer.

By seeking attention, people are saying:
“See me. Know me. Hold me.”

Let’s stop pathologising these bids for connection. Instead of asking, “Why are they doing this?” let’s ask:

“What do they need from me right now?”

​Because beneath every behaviour that challenges us is a human need - waiting patiently to be understood.

Until next time, take care. Tracey